Never Let The Truth Get In The Way Of A Good Story!

Over the years a number of people have suggested that I should take some of the stories from Kissimmee Notes and publish them. So I have published a few of them in a tourist newapaper that is publishied in Tampa and distributed through out the United States. Here are some of my favourates. As usual, my by-line is "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story".

Hunting Gators

 

When I was living in Ontario & Michigan, deer hunting season was a really big deal. In Florida, it is alligator hunting.  The hunting season for alligators started this week. During the next few weeks, gator hunters will take about 4800 gators.  I know you're thinking that there will be no alligators left for you to see when you come to Florida, but don't fear, we have over 1 million alligators in Florida.

 

Gator hunters don't need those fancy guns that all of you northern hunters have to buy. All you need is a stun-stick, a roll of duct tape, a flat bottom boat and a friend that is willing to jump into a swamp to get a 900 lb alligator to let lose of your arm. It would be good if he could also sew on a finger or two as well. Oh yea, you will need a good flashlight, since you hunt gators at night.  

 

A stun-stick is a broom handle with a shotgun shell on the end. You get up real close to a 900 lb gator and then tap him between the eyes with the stick. There is one minor problem; an alligator has a very thick skull. Usually, the shotgun shell does not kill him, it only stuns him. Hence the name --- stun-stick. At this point you jump into the water with the duct tape and start taping everything that could hurt you. If the gator wakes up during this stage of the hunt, the sewing kit could become a handy item.

 

So if you would like to come hunting, give me a call and I will line you up with a friend of mine called "Lefty". You will have to do the duct taping, since it is hard for "Lefty" to handle the tape, since the accident last hunting season. Hence the name --- "Lefty".

 

Remember, never let the truth get in the way of a good story!

 

 

Snowbirds & The Retirement Life

 

Well another Snowbird season has come and gone. As the snowbirds fly north, the population of Florida changes from mostly English speaking people from Ontario, Quebec, Michigan, New York and England to mostly Spanish speaking people.  Since I don't speak Spanish, I am brushing up on my pointing and grunting so I can shop at Wal-Mart.  Now the snowbirds have left, it is nice not to get the "up-home" weather everyday. Since, it is not a happy day for most snow-birds unless their friends and relatives up north are freezing to death; we get the weather from up north every few hours. If the weather in Florida is 80-plus and it is snowing "like a banshee" up north, life is good!

 

It is now also time for me to get "my" golf cart back. The term ‘my' is somewhat relative. One of the advantages of being a year-round resident of a snow-bird community is that I get to store a snowbird's golf cart. It is a petty good deal. The snowbird buys it, maintains it and drives it from mid-January to mid-April. The rest of the time it belongs to me. 

 

Golf carts are the primary form of transportation within the Cove and are also used for quick runs to the local shopping center or over to our daughter's place, a couple of miles away.  I have even taken the grandkids to school via golf cart. At the Cove, we have an expression - "Going Coving". This means we get in our golf cart and drive aimlessly around the resort with no particular destination or reason for doing so. This leads to a second expression - "Being Coved". This is when you are waved over for a conversation, while Coving. This must (by law) take place in the middle of the street, blocking traffic in both directions; therefore, in just minutes it becomes an impromptu street party. This usually happens 5-6 times during a normal "Coving" run, so it is advisable to pack some drinks and maybe even a light snack before going Coving. Coving has been known to takes hours.

 

Today, I figured out the difference between working and having a job - A Paycheck. I think I am working harder than I did when I was getting a paycheck; the only difference is what I am doing and the rate of pay. Also, I have noticed that I don't have much competition for my job anymore and I get lots of job performance reviews from my various bosses.  My short & long-term project plan has been replaced by honey-do, daddy-do, grandpa-do, and neighbor-do lists.

I have to sign-off now. It's time to go "Coving".  

 

Remember: Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story!

 

 

Self-Propelled Rotor-Tillers

 

OK it's that time of year again when the people who live in Florida start phoning and emailing all their northern friends to let them know that winter has ended in Florida.  It has been in the 80s the last couple of days. I have been floating in the pool most afternoons. How are you doing getting the snow shoveled out of your driveways?  How's the driving on those icy roads?  

Now that everyone north Georgia hates me -- Hi!

Everything is not perfect in Florida. I am still having problems with the self-propelled rotor-tillers called Armadillos. One of them can just about destroy a lawn in a couple of hours. Three of them can create something that looks like the craters on the dark side of the moon. I thought about shooting them, but with my luck the bullet would bounce off their pre-historic hide and kill me. It wouldn't be so bad, if I had any idea how to grow grass, but as you all know, I can grow anything BUT grass.

The snowbirds have returned. This is both good and bad. The good news is they bring a lot of money with them and this year that Canadian & European money is actually worth something - more than the American dollar on some days. The bad news is they don't know how to drive. You would think that if they could drive 1300 miles from Michigan/Ontario/Quebec/New York, they could find their way up Pleasant Hill Road without changing lanes every two seconds, which is not easy to do when you are driving 20 mph below the speed limit. But the way, they are also the nicest people in the world.

This year marked the largest crop of acorns in the history of Florida. Since the Cove has 25 million oak trees and I have a tin roof, it has been quite a joyful experience. I have not had a good night sleep in 4 months and now the 300,000 squirrels in the Cove have decided they need to jump off the trees onto the roof (the tin roof) at about 6:00 am, every morning. It sounds as if they are jumping in mass off the of the empire state building and landing on the roof (the tin roof) directly over my head. By the way, do you know anyone who has a shotgun for sale?

Enough of this foolishness! Life is good. By the way, Kissimmee Notes now goes to hundreds of people in 5 countries around the world, including China & Russia. If you are not getting it, you are not reading this note, so it doesn't manner!

 

Remember: Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!

 

The Fixed Income Retiree's Blues

Well here I am in sunny Florida and things are tough! When I retired I had a tidy little nest egg invested in rock solid Dow Jones stocks. Now that sizeable nest egg looks more like the pimple on the end of the noise of the kid at our local hamburger joint.

Now all you old folks know how hard it is to live on a retiree's fixed income.  I have been reduced to stealing gas at night so we can travel and going through garbage cans looking for food so we can eat. Now, don't you feel really sorry for us poor retirees? Of course you do! Here is what you can do...and you will feel really good knowing that you have saved me from a life of crime. Just rush out today and spend $10,000 in any store that has their stock listed on the Dow Jones. They tell me that 150,000 people read this paper and if all of us spent $10,000 today, I think it might make a difference. It would be nice if you could buy things made in the United States or Canada, but you might have to look hard to do that! It would be even better if you could spend that money in Florida, since that is where most retirees live and the state could use the sales tax to pay for the meals-on-wheels program and maybe some new handicap ramps.

Got to end this now, I have to go to the pool and lay in the sun; maybe a fancy drink or two. All in all, life is still good!

 

Remember; never let the truth get in the way of a good story!